Attachment shapes much of how we relate to others and to ourselves. When someone close to us says something hurtful, even unintentionally, it can feel like a threat to our sense of connection and emotional safety. According to attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby, our brains are wired to prioritize close relationships because they are linked to survival. When those bonds feel at risk, our nervous system reacts quickly, often before we can think logically.
In moments like these, the brain tries to make sense of the pain by creating a story. Attachment insecurity can lead people to internalize blame or distort meaning as a way to preserve connection. These stories may protect us from immediate conflict, but they often come at the cost of self-worth.
Earlier this week, a hurtful comment from a family member triggered feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion. Instead of addressing the comment directly, I turned inward and blamed myself. I created a narrative that I was flawed, that I needed to agree, stay quiet, or pretend not to care. This is a common attachment response, especially for those with anxious or avoidant tendencies, because changing our view of ourselves can feel safer than risking disconnection by challenging someone else.
People with insecure attachment styles are more likely to engage in self-criticism and rumination after interpersonal conflict. While this strategy may reduce anxiety in the short term, it reinforces negative self-beliefs and keeps us stuck in old patterns.
Fortunately, there are tools for reshaping these attachment-driven stories:
Journaling with Compassion. Writing about emotional experiences has been shown to improve emotional regulation and clarity. Try writing down the story your mind is telling you, then rewriting it from a more balanced and compassionate perspective. For example: “I made mistakes in the past, but those mistakes do not define my worth or growth.”
Self-Compassion Practices. Psychologist Kristin Neff’s research shows that self-compassion reduces shame and increases emotional resilience. Placing a hand on your heart and offering phrases like, “I am enough,” or “It makes sense that I feel hurt,” can help soothe the nervous system and counter harsh self-judgment.
Safe Boundary Setting. Attachment security grows when we learn to express needs without aggression or withdrawal. Planning calm, clear communication, such as, “When my past mistakes are brought up, I feel hurt because they don’t reflect who I am now” supports both self-respect and connection.
Understanding our attachment-driven stories gives us the power to question them. With awareness and compassion, we can loosen unhelpful beliefs and build healthier relationships—with others and with ourselves.
WAVES OF EXPRESSION 
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