WAVES OF EXPRESSION

In the last post, we explored the stories that form beneath our attachment patterns, the beliefs we carry about ourselves, others, and even God. These stories often develop in response to wounds, disappointments, or unmet needs.

But if those wounds are still present, why don’t we think about them all the time? The answer is that our minds are incredibly creative. When something feels too painful, overwhelming, or threatening, we often develop ways of protecting ourselves from it. These protective strategies are not signs of weakness. In many cases, they helped us survive. The problem is that what once protected us can sometimes keep us from healing.

Understanding Protectors

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), there is a concept known as “protectors.”

Protectors are parts of us that work hard to prevent us from feeling pain, vulnerability, shame, fear, or rejection. Their goal is not to hurt us. Their goal is to help us avoid suffering. The challenge is that they often use strategies that only provide temporary relief. What we call “bad habits” are often protectors doing their job.

Sometimes those protectors look like:

• Doomscrolling
• Overworking
• Perfectionism
• Constant busyness
• People-pleasing
• Emotional withdrawal
• Excessive gaming or entertainment
• Substance use
• Overeating
• Controlling behavior

The behavior itself is often less important than the pain it is attempting to cover.

Numbing Is Often a Message

Many of us spend years trying to eliminate behaviors without ever asking what purpose they serve. We focus on fighting the habit. We rarely get curious about what the habit is protecting. Imagine a smoke alarm that constantly goes off. You could remove the batteries. You could smash the alarm. But neither solution addresses the fire.

Likewise, many of our coping mechanisms are signals pointing toward something deeper. The behavior may be frustrating. But it is often carrying valuable information. The question becomes: “What am I trying not to feel?”

When We Feel Disconnected from Ourselves

One of the consequences of chronic protection is disconnection. Over time, we may become so practiced at avoiding difficult emotions that we lose touch with what is happening inside us altogether. This can create a sense of numbness.

People often describe it as:

• Feeling stuck
• Feeling detached
• Going through the motions
• Feeling emotionally flat
• Living on autopilot

Sometimes it feels as though life is happening around us rather than within us. If you’ve ever felt like you’re simply floating through life, there is often an internal narrative running beneath the surface that has not yet been brought into awareness. The protector is working overtime to keep something hidden.

Protectors and Our Relationship with God

These same protective patterns often show up spiritually. Many people assume that spiritual struggles are always faith problems. Often, they are attachment problems. If a part of us fears disappointment, we may keep God at a distance. If a part of us fears vulnerability, prayer may feel uncomfortable. If a part of us carries shame, we may avoid bringing our full selves before God.

Sometimes we are not resisting God. We are protecting ourselves. The difficult reality is that the same strategies that protect us from pain can also limit intimacy. Not because God has moved away. But because the walls built to keep hurt out can also keep connection out.

Jesus and the Protective Parts

One of the things I find most beautiful in the Gospels is how often Jesus responds to people with curiosity rather than condemnation. He asks questions. He listens. He invites. He rarely begins with behavior. Instead, He moves toward the deeper wound underneath it. This is important because many of us assume God wants to eliminate our struggles before He draws near. But often God meets us in the middle of them.

The invitation is not:

“Fix yourself and then come.”

The invitation is:

“Come and let Me show you what needs healing.”

Curiosity Changes Everything

The goal is not to fight our protectors. In fact, fighting them often strengthens them. When we attack ourselves, the nervous system simply becomes more defensive. Healing begins when we become curious.

Instead of saying:

“Why am I doing this again?”

We begin asking:

“What is this behavior protecting me from?”

“What am I afraid I might feel if I stopped?”

“What part of my story is asking for attention?”

Curiosity creates space for understanding. And understanding creates space for healing.

A Gentle Reflection

The next time you notice yourself reaching for a numbing behavior, pause for a moment and ask:

• What am I feeling right now?
• What happened just before I felt the urge to escape?
• What emotion feels difficult to sit with?
• What might this protective part be trying to do for me?

Remember, the goal is not judgment. The goal is compassion.

Next Week

In our next post, we’ll explore how curiosity becomes a pathway toward healing. We’ll discuss what it means to approach our stories, our wounds, and our relationship with God with openness instead of fear and how that shift can transform both our emotional and spiritual lives.